Miss Independent

Don't worry, I can do it. Thanks but no thanks. No seriously, you don't understand. I've been working out recently, with my friends actually, and so this is no problem for me. It might be difficult for YOU to carry 15 grocery bags of stuff at once but I am Iron Woman, hear me roar! haha. ah.. *stuff drops everywhere, in the snow, spills under the car, and causes us to be stuck in the freezing cold for 10 extra minutes because I am not really Iron Woman and needed your help and even though you offered I wouldn't take it*

That's what January has been.

Multiple people have said to me "You look so much happier (or rested, more settled, more confident) this semester. What's my temptation? To say "thanks!" and puff out my chest, stick my nose up in the air because I deserved that and strut away. The struggle to be perfect is a real one, obviously, and so once someone has finally reached the point of perfection you should probably congratulate them because it was a long road to get there.

I just got hired for a new job, I'm entering more leadership positions, career services said my life was on track, and I started getting to places on time (mostly). This seems like good enough reason to be 1000% awesome now. I get ready in the morning, spend adequate time with my friends, and even get studying done. What can't I do??

Anything. I can't do anything. Why I was inspired to write this blog for you is because I can't do it. I actually can't do this at all. Let me tell you one thing, friend. It is God. It is just God.

My heart seems so faint sometimes. I did the whole- trying to jam memories and hopes and lost dreams into a huge box and then bury it in the closet of my psyche blahblah blahhh and it DIDN'T WORK. IT DIDN'T FRICKING WORK. I still struggle with the same stuff and the same wants and sorrow over the same broken relationships. It didn't matter that I had a semi-functional task list and a resume that doesn't suck wanna know why??? We are so much more than that.

There's some people around I don't like. That's just the truth. They just exist and some for very legitimate reasons. This is a weakness I am talking about. It took one time of class worship for me to see this in the most meaningful way. I was by myself, standing up on a ledge in Pierce chapel when God decided to strike me with a cord of spiritual lightning and wake me up. From under the Detroit hat I was literally hiding under, I saw them. God' beloved child I had decided to hate on since freshman year. And as many of you may know, God doesn't appreciate it very much when you hate on his kids. He is the ultimate protector, after all, and I don't believe that if you pray to him to be a lover he will let you continue to judge and minimize those he created for incredible futures and stories. He just said to me, "Do you even know? Do you even know where they came from? Their home? Their parents? Likes? Dislikes? Do you see the gorgeous plans I have laid out for my child? Why I love them so so much? What very DNA I have designed and placed in them in a way that brings me glory every time it comes out. What's my child's favorite drink at Starbucks, Anna. You don't know how beautiful they are to me." Tears came to my eyes and I told him I was sorry. Forgive me, Father. I don't know what I do. And GUESS. WHAT. (I'm tempted to say and then my heart grew 3 sizes that day but I'm not really the ultimate judge of that and I'm also not green and hairy thank God). He brought that person into my life. In the most hilarious, immediate, wonderful, and intimate way. He's hilarious! He's hilarious because it was beyond my wildest dreams. And just think. It was just because he didn't want to fail his beloved child, them, and his beloved child, me. It was just him.

There have been multiple examples of things like this happening this year. Times when a little bit of prayer and a lot of heartache was met with incredible, creative restoration.

I'd like to say I can do it myself. I'd love to say that I am the relationship queen and so smart that everyone I know is just confounded by my encouraging presence. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I am not Iron Woman *gasp* and can't carry all of life's needs by myself. I need extra arms. I need help. I need lightning bolts of spiritual awakening that distract me from sin only because the offered love is so much brighter in comparison.

Do you know what it's like to be so in love, or so jolted with humor, or so excited that you can't stop a smile from spreading across your face? That happened to me! Actually happened, to the point that I looked like a complete goon walking from my car to my house. That  is the kind of beautiful our God comes up with when he blesses us. Late night conversations, random provisions, and enlightenment from those I least expected have given me incredible amounts of joy this ugly winter coming.

I can't do it on my own, thank God.