Time Warp

Already and not yet.

First of all, I apologize for not being more diligent with writing. "Procrastinators Anonymous" tendencies, I suppose. (Organization I plan to found).

This week we got kids. For about six days we had been planning for what to do when kids showed up at our summer program with Mont Lawn City Camp in the Bronx. Days of getting hyped but also being prepared for disappointment if no one came. This sentiment was handy because most days... no one came. Lots of days walking up and down the streets recruiting. Lots of walking up to people and pointing to the Spanish side of the flyer hoping they'd be gracious in response to my apologetic face. Lots of standing on the corner with team members and getting weird looks by visiting firefighters. Lots of praying desperate prayers when we are not always healthy, nor strong.

But praise God, this week, we got kids. ;) It was wonderful for me to be able to put my leadership skills to good use. By that I mean, if you somehow have an inch of ability to get 9 kids' attention in a circle while playing a game, you better employ it. While playing games with these kids and the wonderful girls I live with, and the amazingly sacrificial and intelligent staff of Mont Lawn, I remembered why I had decided to go into Social Work. All of my energy was thrown into making eye contact with those kids and clapping for them when they finally got the hang of making the elephant signal while playing the animal game. This is because making kids feel like they are superheros when they are learning and discovering things about life is a cause worthy to throw yourself into. When a kid beams because he made a butterfly out of craft foam and glitter and you've called it beautiful... life makes a little more sense. Happiness and affirmation go a really, really long way. Some kids don't have people around who tell them they're amazing. The hope with these types of summer programs and the camp we're about to go to is to tell them, hey, God made you with a purpose and he thinks you're amazing. And I think you're amazing. And if we rely on him and help each other, you can do whatever amazing thing you want. All of this takes some time and relationship building. Meanwhile, I prepared myself to be beat in Duck-duck-goose because those kids are seriously fast!

It's been really hard to catch my breath here. We are learning about a lot and constantly interacting with new situations. Similar to what I talked about in my last post, I think I've also been learning the value of appreciation. Not just implicitly, but explicitly, noticing need for others and being outwardly thankful when realizing their strengths. There's about 25 people who regularly spend time in this convent. 25 people who live in a high-intensity context. 25 people who watch documentaries about sex-trafficking and who pray for each other while they cry. With this situation specifically I'm talking about myself. I usually consider myself someone who is strong. Actually, I pride myself on the fact that I actively pursue a tough exterior. It's like I am constantly trying to say, yes, I'm a short white girl from the suburbs who can be nice once in a while, but don't mess with me because I'm angry enough to make you feel insignificant if I want to.

There's a few different things I want to say about this. Ignoring the need for a Savior, and ignoring the need for other people to come alongside you, is a not the way to become strong. Nor is lashing out every once in a while the way to gain respect and safety. When at the depth of my soul all I want is safety, the best way to find it is through the power of God. Believing that he holds me and has ultimate control of this life is the current process I'm learning. Let me tell you, breaking down prideful walls is not a comfortable existence. I've grown to believe that I like these walls so it will take some time. But the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he will not leave me in my searching.

To follow, needing people is a natural and great thing. Needing people motivates relationship and moves us closer to the life God intends for all of us to live; one of love and communion. The other night when I felt like I was breaking under the weight of emotional unrest, one of the people here just sat beside me. He knelt and he prayed and just... was comforting simply in presence. I understand better reliance on the body of Christ and reliance on the Holy Spirit when I don't know what to pray but can rest in someone else's words, knowing we are approaching God together. On a lighter note, I am also realizing my reliance on the body when I am on the work commute with my team. Let me tell you, the bus is annoying. It's just annoying. And subway stations in NYC in 97 degree weather are actually like industrial-garbage-smelling-saunas. After a tiring day, it's all I can do not to just sit down and be like, ya know? I'll just sleep here tonight. Go ahead. hahaa. But the girls I travel with are fantastic! We are able to laugh together and be sassy together and talk about how we'll watch Arrested Development when we get home. Riding the bus includes saying "AWWW" about the most adorable kids that come to summer camp and expressing excitement about seeing them again. I am even loving living in a tiny non-air-conditioned room with my friend Princy. It's been a hilarious and wonderful ride trying to hook up our fan so we don't die, and watching Netflix every once in a while when we're exhausted, and waking up super late and trying not to spit on each other when we're both brushing our teeth sharing the tiny sink. TMI? Sorry.

I think I'm going to end this post for today. To sum up the time here so far? Overwhelming. Overwhelming because this city seems so big and strong, and overwhelming because we're talking to God who made all of this and more, and overwhelming because everything the Stewardship team cooks in the kitchen is like vegetarian heaven in my mouth. What a time it's been.

Thank you all for your love and support from wherever you are. I love you all so dearly.

Anna

What Words Mean

I'm constantly trying to come up with definitions of things. At NYCUP we try to come up with definitions a lot because how are you going to commit to something when you don't even know what it is? What is organic anyway? What is human trafficking? 

We have to figure these things out.

Today was one of those days when I felt as if my definitions meant nothing. Sometimes life just... goes and you don't have time to figure out if your predictions were accurate. I'm a kid who likes to think and who likes to be able to anticipate certain outcomes. In New York, however, you learn to expect the unexpected.

Our assignment for the afternoon, and for days before this one, was to recruit kids from the neighborhood to come to our day camp. First of all, this is difficult for me to even imagine because in Suburbia when someone offers you anything with the word "FREE", it is most definitely a scam. I had to get over the initial shock of being in a community where people considered accepting what you offer. Secondly, the South Bronx is not exactly land of the blondes. This is wonderful because God made people of all kinds, shapes, and colors and they're all gorgeous. But if you know nothing about a culture, and your looks already make people assume you know nothing? Guess what, the game is up. Just being in that neighborhood makes me extremely humble. I have to rely on my teammates, and rely on God to help me not accidentally be a jerk to people just because I don't know how a community functions. I also have to rely on him for safety because this place isn't the safest. 

Back to day camp. Perspective comes to you real fast when a father wants to sign his kid up for summer camp but gets a worried look when it comes with a $35 transportation fee. He doesn't have $35 to put on the table this afternoon. Even more perspective comes when our wonderful staff member just smiles back and says "Oh don't worry then, it'll be covered." 

This staff member, and everything this organization and camp is giving to the community in the South Bronx is amazing. Safety. I mean safety.

Honestly, to hear her say those words "it'll be covered", or however she said it... my mind and heart were really touched. So blessed to know that this camp can be provided for families at no cost, which is exactly like grace we're given every day. Free. Free and safe. That is literally the ideal.

Speaking of things we don't deserve. Last night we had to share an object that represents us in our team family time. I usually don't look forward to these because I feel reduced when I'm limited to an object for description and blah blah blah blah. (I know, I even annoy myself.) Anyway. I ended up talking about my ring. This gift was given to me by my family for my 16th birthday. They most likely don't know what this ring ended up meaning to me but last night I really enjoyed being able to brag about them and the great gifts God gives us.

October 1993. I was born. (Didn't that sound so dramatic?!) The point is that I didn't choose my family. My preference and control had no place in this beginning, and I had no ability to choose what kind of people my parents would be. To this day I am in speechless when I think of how blessed I am to come from people like them. Servants of other people, followers of Christ, continually supportive of myself and my brother, sacrificial learners... I swear, I better make something out of my life because I owe a lot to Christ who gave me everything, including beautiful love like the love that's in my family. We're not perfect obviously, and that kind of goes without saying. But each day I am so blessed to be loved, and to love, people like them.

For this reason, among others, I'm compelled to do something. Don't you ever feel like you just have to do something? Like you could sit in comfort for a while and potentially be fine but you actually feel motivated to do MORE?! Guess what?!?! You can. 

Love a kid who doesn't get advice from his family. Buy chocolate that's fair trade because let's be honest, fair trade chocolate tastes AMAZING and why do you even care if your chocolate brand changes? It's still great! Encourage people to talk about their life stories because we don't know everything and can learn more! And also, you're not Jesus! And neither am I! So we have a boat load of things to do!!!

--

I'm tired. I'm really really tired because of what I see everyday and because of what you see everyday and because I'm trying to reconcile it all somehow. I heard a story today about college campus hazing that broke me to emotional pieces and that was around 10:30 am.Today was a day about learning how to talk to God because I laid on my bed and gave up. Dear Lord, I can't. 

Dear Lord God, I can't but you can. We try but we fail. We strive but we lose. Thank you for having more for us than what we choose for ourselves. Thank you for being bigger than exploitation and for abiding with those who struggle every day. Please give us wisdom enough to hear you call and follow it sacrificially. I am selfish and need to be drawn to your love, oh God, in order to believe that what you say is truth. 

We long for truth and hope. 

Thank you for another day, and for 93 degrees because I appreciate the breeze more later. haha. 

Goodnight everyone.

In the Prayer Room

We have a great view from our rooftop. Okay, it's not exactly our rooftop, but the rooftop of the Bowery Mission on 31st and Madison. I'm so thankful for that place.

The mission office is a beautiful white building on the corner with a curving staircase that goes up to a sun-lit floor with a baby grand piano. A baby grand piano in an office? These people obviously appreciate inspiration. More so, the woman who leads our internship lets us work on the roof sometimes. What's better than a view of New York City in the sunshine? (Rhetorical). Red petals in their flower boxes perfectly frame this mini oasis in the midst of a world of vulnerable people.

I am torn. On the way to the internship we see many types of people. This is obvious; it's New York. On the subway alone you can basically play a game with who you can find. Someone who is a musician, someone who is looking for food, someone with a hairstyle you've never seen, someone speaking a language you can't identify, someone trying to take a nap. Tons of someones all going different places. The hard part comes in the discrepancies in types of needs. Today I passed Steve Madden, Aldo, Bare Minerals, and H&M. Shopping, anyone? It is hard passing these places and really wanting to go there, all the while having the people in mind that we were sent here to help. My purse has two oranges and a granola bar in it, along with a resource card. These are for moments like one we experienced today; a man with no shoes asked for help. "Anything" he said, like so many others. But then he didn't like those types of granola bars. Oranges he did like, so that was good. Don't forget that people have different preferences/affinities. He said he didn't want the resource card. We just... tried the best we could... because the subway kept moving and he got off somewhere different than us. Because he went on to another block with different moving faces. I hope he gets shoes from someone soon.

Our first task was to make a list of types of vulnerable people. If you were wondering, with InterVarsity's NYC Urban Project, I am on the Vulnerable People team. Because the abbreviation is VP we joke that we are pretty boss. Vice Presidents, that's us. What does Vulnerable People mean? It's a title I really had to get used to. It was kind of awkward to tell people. Yeah, me, a rich white kid is on a team advocating for "vulnerable" people. Patronizing, my cynic voice told me. What I've learned since those first assumptions is that vulnerable is an accurate term to describe the populations we are here to advocate for. I use the word advocate meaning to speak up for, listen to, aim to provide needs for, and connect points of provision for. Is it because we are better people or coming in as all-knowing superheros? Absolutely not. It is a privilege to serve and we are blessed to be able to reach those that may be stranded, currently, in situations like poverty, abuse, exploitation, and inadequate care. People like these are consistently vulnerable to being taken advantage of by a system that does not provide them with resources they need to be safe and successful. Yikes, that paragraph was longer than expected. I really hope you understand what I'm trying to say though. So many people here and around the globe have the CAPABILITY to thrive and live life well, but are simply not empowered or given resources to do this. So here we are.

I may write more later simply because my mind is now a bucket of chaos and if you've made it this far then you probably want a break. 

This is my square one. God of heaven didn't design earth to be a place of suffering, and his son died so we don't have to suffer. However, not everyone loves him so this place is a bit of a disaster. Because of this, spa parlors hold women trapped in a slavery they didn't choose, and little kids that are going to fall through the cracks just because mom and dad weren't able to get jobs that help them to be in safe places, and cheap clothes come from people who tirelessly work for nothing. What do you do then? Just let all of that surround your existence in silence? No, no you don't. Pay attention because Jesus paid attention. Contribute because you have the ability. Read because you have the internet. Love because you have a heart that's compelled toward helping others.

And if all this overwhelms you (as it does myself and oh, ANYONE), start with prayer. Please start with prayer with me. 

We all have jobs, families, and social lives, and you might be a little mad and say, "Anna I have tons to do, why are you telling me about problems I can't do anything about?" I understand. And it makes sense. But we can all at least do SOMETHING. At least start with prayer.

Other things I'm thankful for: the kids I'm getting to know because of this program, a brilliant subway system, and iced mochas that are made with really, really rich chocolate. Appreciating the little things, like these, and roofs, and plans for city camp that starts tomorrow!<3

Anna

Arrival

Here we are.

I've successfully survived/navigated/lived in Harlem, Port Authority, Times Square, and Inwood so far. From the time I stepped off my first plane-ride into LaGuardia, to writing this blogpost in a convent in Inwood, life has been a full blur. I use the word full because the surrounding chaos is rich and beautiful. So many things I've already learned. So many things.

A couple snap-shot points since my arrival in New York City:

1. Navigating the subway is so much easier than I thought. For direction-ally-challenged people such as myself, there are signs with big letters.

2. Talking to people that are homeless is important. A lot of times I've thought of their main need as being food. This is obviously a huge need, however, I forget about people's relational needs. People who are homeless may not have had conversations for a really long time. Hearts are important.

3. People are a lot nicer in New York than I'd been told. (By the way, I have been to this city before, but it was more of a consumptive experience, not a learning experience). In our neighborhood we were doing a scavenger hunt and there were at least 10 people who helped us find stuff. How great is that! (And yes, we were being safe. Groups always ;))

4. Everything we do is empowered by God himself. Talking to him isn't an option, it's completely necessary. If this life is in existence by the divine creator, moving through the breath of the true lover, and redeemed by the One who gave up his life... what am I doing if I don't give everything to him?! Try to save the world by yourself. Just try. --> The point there being, this is way too big for any of us so your arms are going to break. Work by the spirit to do what he's called you to do.

5. Having open eyes changes everything. People have different racial, cultural, and familial backgrounds.. making assumptions just isn't going to help. Everyone is on a different journey when discovering identity. Being accepting has to happen. It just has to.

6. Rest is necessary. I'm going to go sleep after this blog is done. Honesty, I'm not sure if I can handle the burdens of racial reconciliation, poverty, homelessness, inadequate resourcing of public schools, human trafficking, living with 22 brand new people, finding my way around a Spanish neighborhood, and feeling ridiculously blonde 24/7 without additional naps. And prayer. WHY?!? Oh RIGHT. Because I can't do anything by my own strength. Because his power is made perfect in weakness. Because he DECIDED to love me and so he's going to take care of me when I listen to his call.

7. I am not pointless. Neither are you. Has anyone ever told you that they don't have time for you? Guess what, that's total crap! Every moment of your life is worth something because God whispers to you in different ways all day long. This is from a girl who isn't exactly sure how the cross works to save the world, or how the invisible being who created this world from dust cares about the details of our lives. I'm not trying to preach at you something that I know. I'm trying to include you in the questions that I'm able to ask because he's given me grace to honestly ask them. I'm trying to wrap my arms around you into this convent with us, because here we are asking questions. Why does this pain exist? Who are we and what has God intended us to be? How can we more deeply rely on him so we're actually able to do something?

Is your head spinning?! If not, good for you. You've obviously had your daily dose of java ;))

8. Just because you live in a lower-income area, doesn't mean you always have to worry about getting shot. Let me expand on that. Where I come from, the idea of moving to a more dangerous place is freaky and kind of naive. Well, starting this week I'll be working in a camp for elementary kids starting in the South Bronx. Where I'm from, this place has a bad reputation. And yes, ANYWHERE you go you have to have street smarts and be careful. But people live in all these areas day-in and day-out. There are beautiful grocery stores and coffee shops and really yummy orange drinks that you can get in tons of convenience stores around here. Everyone is beautiful and created by God. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm just saying... people are people wherever you go. Being a millionaire is okay. Being rich is okay. Being poor is okay. Last night, there was a cockroach in our bathroom. Usually this would've freaked me out but it just didn't. This is where I live now and I'm cool with the place I'm at. I don't have to live in a French Chateau to feel legitimate and like I've made it. God is with his people wherever they live.

9. I love New York. I don't know anything and sometimes the city seems really abrasive. But I'm so thankful to be sent here to learn, and I'm thankful for the wonderful people who are leading myself and the other team members farther into the arms of Jesus. I don't even know what that means! I'm just extremely excited to find  out.

To everyone who has spent time in prayer for this team and who have generously donated funds to get us here,

Thank you so much. Thanks for participating in the kingdom we're all a part of. This is crazy!

I love you all. Thanks for supporting me. More to come ;)

Anna