Time Warp

Already and not yet.

First of all, I apologize for not being more diligent with writing. "Procrastinators Anonymous" tendencies, I suppose. (Organization I plan to found).

This week we got kids. For about six days we had been planning for what to do when kids showed up at our summer program with Mont Lawn City Camp in the Bronx. Days of getting hyped but also being prepared for disappointment if no one came. This sentiment was handy because most days... no one came. Lots of days walking up and down the streets recruiting. Lots of walking up to people and pointing to the Spanish side of the flyer hoping they'd be gracious in response to my apologetic face. Lots of standing on the corner with team members and getting weird looks by visiting firefighters. Lots of praying desperate prayers when we are not always healthy, nor strong.

But praise God, this week, we got kids. ;) It was wonderful for me to be able to put my leadership skills to good use. By that I mean, if you somehow have an inch of ability to get 9 kids' attention in a circle while playing a game, you better employ it. While playing games with these kids and the wonderful girls I live with, and the amazingly sacrificial and intelligent staff of Mont Lawn, I remembered why I had decided to go into Social Work. All of my energy was thrown into making eye contact with those kids and clapping for them when they finally got the hang of making the elephant signal while playing the animal game. This is because making kids feel like they are superheros when they are learning and discovering things about life is a cause worthy to throw yourself into. When a kid beams because he made a butterfly out of craft foam and glitter and you've called it beautiful... life makes a little more sense. Happiness and affirmation go a really, really long way. Some kids don't have people around who tell them they're amazing. The hope with these types of summer programs and the camp we're about to go to is to tell them, hey, God made you with a purpose and he thinks you're amazing. And I think you're amazing. And if we rely on him and help each other, you can do whatever amazing thing you want. All of this takes some time and relationship building. Meanwhile, I prepared myself to be beat in Duck-duck-goose because those kids are seriously fast!

It's been really hard to catch my breath here. We are learning about a lot and constantly interacting with new situations. Similar to what I talked about in my last post, I think I've also been learning the value of appreciation. Not just implicitly, but explicitly, noticing need for others and being outwardly thankful when realizing their strengths. There's about 25 people who regularly spend time in this convent. 25 people who live in a high-intensity context. 25 people who watch documentaries about sex-trafficking and who pray for each other while they cry. With this situation specifically I'm talking about myself. I usually consider myself someone who is strong. Actually, I pride myself on the fact that I actively pursue a tough exterior. It's like I am constantly trying to say, yes, I'm a short white girl from the suburbs who can be nice once in a while, but don't mess with me because I'm angry enough to make you feel insignificant if I want to.

There's a few different things I want to say about this. Ignoring the need for a Savior, and ignoring the need for other people to come alongside you, is a not the way to become strong. Nor is lashing out every once in a while the way to gain respect and safety. When at the depth of my soul all I want is safety, the best way to find it is through the power of God. Believing that he holds me and has ultimate control of this life is the current process I'm learning. Let me tell you, breaking down prideful walls is not a comfortable existence. I've grown to believe that I like these walls so it will take some time. But the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he will not leave me in my searching.

To follow, needing people is a natural and great thing. Needing people motivates relationship and moves us closer to the life God intends for all of us to live; one of love and communion. The other night when I felt like I was breaking under the weight of emotional unrest, one of the people here just sat beside me. He knelt and he prayed and just... was comforting simply in presence. I understand better reliance on the body of Christ and reliance on the Holy Spirit when I don't know what to pray but can rest in someone else's words, knowing we are approaching God together. On a lighter note, I am also realizing my reliance on the body when I am on the work commute with my team. Let me tell you, the bus is annoying. It's just annoying. And subway stations in NYC in 97 degree weather are actually like industrial-garbage-smelling-saunas. After a tiring day, it's all I can do not to just sit down and be like, ya know? I'll just sleep here tonight. Go ahead. hahaa. But the girls I travel with are fantastic! We are able to laugh together and be sassy together and talk about how we'll watch Arrested Development when we get home. Riding the bus includes saying "AWWW" about the most adorable kids that come to summer camp and expressing excitement about seeing them again. I am even loving living in a tiny non-air-conditioned room with my friend Princy. It's been a hilarious and wonderful ride trying to hook up our fan so we don't die, and watching Netflix every once in a while when we're exhausted, and waking up super late and trying not to spit on each other when we're both brushing our teeth sharing the tiny sink. TMI? Sorry.

I think I'm going to end this post for today. To sum up the time here so far? Overwhelming. Overwhelming because this city seems so big and strong, and overwhelming because we're talking to God who made all of this and more, and overwhelming because everything the Stewardship team cooks in the kitchen is like vegetarian heaven in my mouth. What a time it's been.

Thank you all for your love and support from wherever you are. I love you all so dearly.

Anna